Today I am working through things. We’re about a month into our house being on the market and while we started off with a bang and thought that there was an investor that would be making an offer within the first week, they’ve decided to not make an offer and though we’ve had other showings, we still have no offers. And I’m just going to be honest…I am bummed- really.
In all of this though God is showing me things in me that need to change. And as usual it has nothing to do with the thing that’s right in front of me that’s causing all the frustration. I want my house to sell! That’s it. I don’t want to talk about anything else or think about anything else or do anything else but sell my house. And what does God want? He wants to dig deeper. He wants to reveal things in me that need to change. He wants me to break out of my quiet Amy cave, the place I withdraw to when things are going wrong and actually tell people around me that things are going wrong- or aren’t going at all- either way it’s not going the way I want it to. Why do I withdraw? Why don’t I just tell my friends what’s going on? Why do I want to wait until things are better? As if once things are better I’ll have something to add to humanity or to my friendships. His revelation that trying to react perfectly in the midst of difficulties is killing me. And to stop being afraid of my own weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). He said that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. To let go of what I’m “supposed” to be. Perfect, smart, strong, wise…
He is all of those things and I don’t have to be- but I try anyway.
I often try to end things on a happy note- “Things aren’t great right now but I’m sure they will be soon!” And while I do think that’s true I’m going to spare people my syrupy optimism today. I actually am feeling quite a bit better- both physically and emotionally after I did sob my heart out this morning. And I talked to a friend- technically I texted her but she called me and prayed for me and that helped. Talking to my husband (that adores me) helped. And I’m realizing that while running to God first is great, I can’t negate the role of people in my life.
So why would I write any of this? It’s emotional and personal and uncomfortable for me but I’m writing this publicly because I’m not the only one. I’m not the only one who hides in an emotional cave until the bad stuff gets better. I’m not the only one who is emotionally and physically exhausted from trying to be perfect. And because the best way to break down a wall is to take a sledge hammer to it. To recognize unhealthy patterns and then act on it. I can realize that I withdraw into a cave but unless I strike a blow to the walls, I’ll never be free of it. And neither will you. I don’t normally point the mirror I hold up to myself to my readers but I am this time because hiding is crippling. Having a false sense of our own strength is crippling. Having a community of godly people around you is vital. I don’t say that as one who has mastered it but as one who needs it. I don’t know how exactly to do this since I’ve never relied on anyone ever but I asked a friend to babysit my kids tomorrow while I’m at a doctor’s appointment and believe it or not that’s a start. Baby steps…
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
I’m in need of Christ’s power today and I pray for Christ’s power for you too.